The Scanner Saga

(August 2006)

Imagine scanned

image here!

Well, I WAS going to go to bed but I’m so pissed off that I can’t possibly go to sleep without killing hubby first, so instead I decided to vent.

Tonight my pencil finally got intelligent – I say that because I think it’s my pencil that does the work – and I managed to get a pretty good Katelina, a not bad Oren, etc. So, I think “I’ll scan them off “real quick”, but little did I know! Keep in mind this was nearly two hours ago.

So, I take my tablet, I plop it on the scanner bed, open my fantastic image editing program go to twain device and guess what?  I have NO DEVICES.  No scanner, no camera, nothing.  Hmmmmm..

Now this is singularly odd because since we got the computer redone, I specifically asked hubby (the resident computer tech) no less than SIX times if he’d re-installed the scanner, as it’s a requirement for me.  And needless to say the answer was to the affirmative, so you can imagine my surprise.

So into the bedroom I go and wake the husband, who, after finally figuring out what I’m saying, mumbles, “Oh, I forgot,” and promptly goes back to sleep.  So now the next question is, “Will the driver work on XP?”

No answer

“Hello? Will the driver work on XP?”

Silence.

So now I’m starting to feel like a Russian communist cell interrogating a spy.  Time to employ the torture.

*Poke *poke *poke * “Will the driver work on XP?”

“Mumble, mutter, yes, mumble” and after another round of poking him in the stomach  I manage to get the top-secret information that he has no idea where the install disk is. Wonderful.

Back I go to begin my search.  I start in the driver drawer which, might I add is mostly cables, wires, discarded microphones etc, and though I did find some interesting things, like the install disk to a camera we don’t own anymore, the book to my Pirate’s PC game and the book to Windows 98,   no scanner disk.

So, now I jump to the crate. The crate is a blue plastic crate that I bought from Wal-mart to hold disks and Computer Cds, and in case you can’t guess,  is mainly full of junk. I dig beneath the insurance bill envelopes and java Script books and I again find a lot of intriguing things, such as no less than FOUR install disks for different versions of Music Match. Not to mention three versions of Paint Shop Pro, three different video card drivers and far too many airplane games. Fantastic.

Then it hits me: once, long ago in the eons of time, I had important disks in the top drawer of the desk. I look there, rifling through old letters, notebooks, batteries that probably don’t work but might, dead ink pens and sundry other fascinating items.  At  last! Goldmine!

So in the disk goes *scoooop * and click, click, installed!  All right! Only forty-five minutes wasted, not bad. HA!

So restart the computer, and lurch through the sunlight (imagine a fat version of Golum in pajamas), grab a cigarette from Mom’s house, and scuttle back, all while wincing and thinking maybe this daylight thing is a bad idea.  I climb back into the chair (I have an arm chair so in order to get in and out I have to pitch myself up and over the arm) I open PSP, choose Twain/Acquire, the little status light on the computer blinks and up comes a happy message “Sorry, scanner not found”.  There are a couple of things wrong with this. One, Sorry?!?! You’re sorry?!?!  Let me make a bet you’re not HALF as sorry as I am! And Scanner not found?  HELLO! I am LOOKING at it! It’s RIGHT HERE!  Why not say, “Gee, tough luck, can’t connect to the scanner”? That’s at least more truthful.

Then I think, gee, maybe I should unhook it; install it and the hook it back up! All right, of course, simple! Well, I have short arms, so I can’t reach behind the stupid tower to unplug the scanner.  I try to slowly pull the tower as far out from the wall as I can,  care bear ink pens falling all over and clouds of dust filling the air.  Meanwhile, the tangle of cords causes the collapse of Western Europe an,d after managing to save the tape deck which normally lives on top of the monitor from meeting the carpet, I decide it’s time to wake the monster again.

I wake the creature from the crabby lagoon after much poking, prodding and shaking and out he comes, muttering and grumbling.  I guess maybe it’s a bad attitude, but I sort of feel if he’d done this when he said he DID  then it wouldn’t be an issue now, would it?

So, I ask him about the driver again and he assures me it will work. He then unhooks the scanner, reinstalls it, restarts, etc and then, standing up, mutters, “There was that so hard” and prepares to go to bed.

So AGAIN I open PSP Twain/Acquire and guess what?! “Sorry, scanner not found!” HA! Yep, REAL hard!

“Well, what the fuck?” and so the next hour is spent with Mr. Crabby pants plugging and unplugging things, reinstalling, uninstalling, opening closing, and guess what? Still NOT working!

As he stands there, his eyes bleary, his brow furrowed, and his hair a disheveled mess, he suddenly looks thoughtful, “I wonder if maybe it won’t work on XP?”

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did I NOT ask him that HOW many times only two hours before this?!?!

So, the official answer? “Well, look for driver updates. I’m going to bed,” and off he shuffles to his cave to hide underneath the blankets.

So here I am now, downloading a stupid driver that at a connections speed TWICE mine takes three hours – let’s do that math real fast … gee, six hours if I’m lucky? That is if it doesn’t drop and fluctuate, in which case it might well stretch into eight or more all in the vain, sad hope of using my FREAKING scanner that was working PERFECTLY FINE two days ago before we upgraded to XP! And I can guarantee that the minute I go to bed and step away from this computer I’ll get booted AND loose the entire freaking file I JUST downloaded! That or it will be down to like one minute and disconnect. No way Alltel is stable enough for downloads that take this long!

ARGH!!!!  Am I the only one who finds this insane!?!?! I should write up all of my trials and tribulations concerning this XP installation I bet I could get a good two hundred-page book out of it, seriously! Then, if I want to do a sequel I could go for Alltel wireless service and how they will let you send a text message about three times before suddenly declaring the recipient’s number to NOT be a wireless phone, despite the fact that it not only IS wireless, but they JUST sent you a text message!

Oh! And the third book could be about yahoo messenger! Point out the fact they threaten you to update with the Chinese mafia and then refuse to allow you to start a conference once you have the evil beta version 8!

 

It's a thinly veiled threat to send the chinese mafia after me if I don't upgrade - I KNOW it is!

 

Technology – AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

 

Tags: Image scanner, Microsoft Windows, Operating Systems, rant, technology, upgrade, Windows XP