(March 2007 – originally written for a rant blog contest that I lost)
Laundry Theft. It is an everyday occurrence all across this country, yet it doesn’t really mean anything until it happens to you.
I had a load of innocent laundry, laundry that had never hurt a soul and had brought me hours of happiness, and in a matter of moments that was all taken away from me.
Rather than bore you with the sordid details, I will shorten it. Laundry is at the Laundromat. Laundry is washed, then dried and folded, only one load was forgotten – a load of my clothes. But, when we went right back to retrieve them, we discovered something hideous: The Laundry was GONE!
Yes, that’s right, someone stole my clothes!! Three pairs of jeans and about ten or more tops, some towels and some socks. There wasn’t even a SOCK left behind! Someone took the WHOLE DAMN LOAD- socks, towels, clothes and all!
WTF!?!?!?! People are so desperate for clothes they stole my laundry!?!? Okay, I’m not a snot, I’ll buy used clothes if I like them, but I’m not gonna take clothes from a Laundromat! I mean thrift stores have standards, you know? In the Laundromat they don’t! Hell there could be any kind of mess on those clothes! They might be clothes I murdered someone in for crying out loud, all covered in those little blood residues that the black light shows up! They could find themselves facing prison time and trying to beg off by shrieking, “No, no! These aren’t mine!”
And now there is some woman – I like to think it’s a woman – walking around in MY clothes! The clothes I have spent seven years collecting and taking pristine care of! Clothes I loved and adored almost as much as I loved and adored my husband! I don’t want to have to buy a whole new selection of ugly old lady clothes – I want my clothes! I want my peasant blouses and my boot cut jeans and my bell bottoms and my bell-sleeve shirts and… I even want my damn socks back, holes in the toes and all! Those things are mine, god dammit! I paid for them, I cared for them, I nurtured and loved them and they’ve been kidnapped!
And do you think the Laundromat owners even care? NO! They aren’t responsible for anything damaged, lost or stolen. You do your laundry at your own risk – were a machine to catch fire and burn your clothes up they’d be no more responsible for them than if you put them in a box marked “Free to Good Home” and left them.
This is a crock! We trust our Laundromat people to protect our laundry; to be sure no one kidnaps it or abuses it, and do they? No! They just say “Not my problem!” But worse than them are the unscrupulous bastards who waited for my laundry to be unsupervised and then pounced like monsters, stealing it away and probably torturing it! Oh, I bet they have ketchup all down the front of my favorite blue shirt even as I write this! Ooh! Ketchup! And bar-be-que sauce! They’ve probably splattered it all down the leg of my favorite jeans! Oh! The humanity! The Horror! The Unfairness of the world!
This must be stopped! No one else should ever have to suffer the uncertainty of not knowing what someone is doing to their favorite shirt! No one should ever walk through stores, eyeing every person you see in hopes of catching someone in your clothes! It’s wrong and it must end! I say it’s time we impose stiff penalties for laundry Thieves! Unless laundry has been abandoned for X amount of hours you may NOT steal it without dire consequences! Hell, for all I know we never forgot it and someone stole it while we were there!
And so, where ever you are, my beautiful blue shirt with your faux suede edging and your split bell sleeves, I only pray that someone is using the proper detergent on you and that your safe, happy and ketchup free.
Fav Song of the moment “Dead Promises”- The Rasmus