Save the Penguins Project
(this was written for a tongue in cheek MySpace “presidential campaign” in May, 2007)
Hello! I’d like to introduce myself to you. As you may be aware, there’s a new candidate team for President/Vice President in the ’08 election – MsBehave and Monkey. Now, for reasons other than that they’ve given me an important cabinet position, I’d like to recommend everyone vote for this duo. MsBehave and Monkey will bring change to this country – much needed change!
One of the changes is their policies on the environment.. This country needs a strong environmental plan – we all live on this planet and we need to take care of it! The topic on the tip everyone’s tongues when it come to the environment is one thing – Global warming!
Yes, they say our planet is getting warmer and warmer – but this, I believe is a myth! That’s right! Take for example the dramatic ice storms that swept our nation just this winter (2006)– ice as big around as soda cans gathered on power lines in the south – yes the sunny south – of these united states, while frozen trees cracked and broke, devastating the wildernesses.
In reality, my friends, we are heading into an ice age – an ice age no one wants to discuss! The effects of this extreme cold are already being felt by none other than the penguins! But wait, the news tells us the Penguins are in danger of extinction because of this global warming – I can tell you this, they’re half right. The Penguins ARE in danger of extinction, but not from global warming – instead it is the dread Penguin Psychosis which threatens the penguin populations of the pole!
Penguin Psychosis is brought about by none other than a Penguin suffering extreme cold in the feet, particularly the webby bit, and this in turn slowly drives a Penguin mad. In-depth studies have revealed that one mad Penguin can destroy a small igloo in under four hours – imagine what an entire group of insane Penguins could accomplish! Imagine the havoc they will wreak on the world as they use large artic whales as transport vehicles and move southward into populated areas?
MsBehave and Monkey have looked at these findings – despite the fact that our current administration is ignoring them – and they agree we need to do something about this, pronto!
Of course, we have no way to raise the earth’s temperature, or prevent an ice age – as of yet – so right now our main concern is stopping the Penguin Psychosis in it’s infancy! The task of coming up with a plan was entrusted to me, and with some searching I found a team of top of the line scientists to study this phenomenon and come up with a solution
After I lined up the team of scientist, we needed a top-notch facility. Working closely with the MsBehave/Monkey Campaign, we put together the brand new Naylor Scientific Research Laboratory:
Here, the crack team of scientists has devised a final plan, after exhaustive tests using state of the art equipment such as:
The group of scientists spent many hours brainstorming and came to the direct conclusion that the way to stop PP was to keep the penguins warm! The MsBehave/Monkey campaign does not condone animal testing, and so the team first had to design and create Simulated Penguins (SimPens), which were then used to run multiple the tests on.
To run these tests the team first immersed the SimPens in the Artic Deep Freeze (ADF) for three hours, taking temperature reading around the clock, and then they were dropped into the Water Immersion Tank (WIT) and left for another three hours, again with temperature readings. Here are the results of the four tests:
The Thermal Insulation Knitwear Test:
The first test involved using fibers from genetically enhanced sheep to create long strips of thermal insulation which were then wrapped around the SimPens. The temperature readings from the ADF were pretty good, though not as high as the team would have liked, still it was within the target temperature area. The TIK didn’t hold up as well as expected in the WIT, in fact the fibers seemed to soak up water, bloating and sinking the SimPen to the bottom of the WIT, which, had it been a real penguin, would have effectively drown the creature – making TIK completely unsuitable as a final solution.
The Fur Lined Unisex Fedora Tests
The FLUF seemed like an excellent idea, but from the beginning it had design flaws. By the time the final FLUF was assembled it no longer resembled its original design, but instead looked more like a furry sack placed over the top of the Penguin’s head.
The FLUF did poorly in the ADF tests, and had hardly any temperature impact in the WIT at all, making the scientist ponder the age-old declaration that body heat is lost through the head – the scientific principle that the FLUF was based on.
The Electrical Sock-like Heating Units Tests
The ESHU seemed like a clear winner in initial testing. The Sock-like devices were slipped directly over the cold feet of the SimPens, instantly insulating, and heating – through small electrical units. The ADF temperature readings were phenomenal – well above the target temperature area, but it ran into a snag in the WIT, one that caused a major power outage and completely fried on of the SimPens, rendering it completely useless and causing much equipment damage.
The Furry Apertures For Animal Feet Tests
The FAFAF was, in the end, the clear winner, scoring the highest in all the tests. The FAFAF are small, furry shoe-like devices that slip onto the feet of the penguins, insulating them against the extreme cold. The temperature readings from both the ADF and the WIT were well within the target area, and the devices caused no harm to SimPens, nor inhibited free movement of their limbs. Yes, Virginia, we have a plan!
As you can see, no expense was spared in these tests, all of which were funded generously by maxing out three major credit cards, which will be reimbursed once the MsBehave/Monkey team reaches the White House. This includes the production costs of all test items, the new laboratory, the state of the art scientific apertures and the SimPens. Of course, a few other miscellaneous items were also purchased. The Scientific team demanded crates of bananas and a few cases of Jack Daniels, not to mention decorating the lab, housing for the team and other essentials like a big screen TV, DVD collection and various other things important to the quality of life during the extensive testing Procedures.
As I’ve stated, these tests were run on Simulated Penguins, and still need to be tried on the real thing, now that a non-harmful solution has been found. As soon as these tests have been completed, I will notify the general public with the findings