Global Cooling III
(this was written for a tongue in cheek MySpace “presidential campaign” in July, 2007)
I, your head of Environmental Affairs, am here once again to bring the general populace up to date on the Insanity ’08 Campaign and their goals regarding Global Cooling.
As some of you may recall, Tim – the official Chief Policy Advisor and Press Secretary– did a blog detailing the solar cooling that is the direct result of the Global Warming phenomenon we were experiencing.
Yes, I say were. They have proven that there was an increase in temperatures, and, as brother Tim has said, this was caused because the earth was sucking extra heat from the sun, which means that now the sun is cooling as not only the earth but other planets suck out the heat from the bright life-giving orb. But now, that extra heat that the earth absorbed is beginning to be lost to space, and soon both our sun and planet will find themselves looking at another ice age.
One ramification of this cooling, which has already begun at our poles and will eventually spread to the rest of the globe, is the deadly Penguin Psychosis caused by a Penguin’s feet being too cold. The Insanity ’08 Campaign has already met this problem head on in a no nonsense approach and has a test group of penguins currently wearing the FAFAFs to protect their feet from the cold, thereby stopping this deadly condition in its tracks! Once elected to office, Insanity ’08 will meet with world leaders and put forth their findings on the global table, pushing for mandatory international laws to help save our feathered friends.
But Penguin Psychosis is only the beginning. The reasonable mind can instantly see that there are other equally terrifying things that will happen as the planet begins to cool due to decreased output from the sun.
The Insanity ’08 campaign has polled constituents to discover what your top concerns are when it comes to Global and solar Cooling, and you have spoken!
An overwhelming number of you have expressed a deep concerns about the direct correlation between this cooling and the irrational behavior of many people in power both politically and otherwise, and so the insanity ’08 campaign has begun it’s own research.
As you can see by this chart there is a direct link to illogical occurrences in our country and the cooling temperature of the sun.
So what does this mean? Logically one can reason that this clearly means that the colder we get as a species the stupider we become. This has terrifying implications for us all, but never fear, the Insanity ’08 campaign is already working on simple solutions and strategies to combat this serious threat.
Once the Insanity campaign has made it’s way to the white house a bill will be put before Congress making it a mandatory law that all people must wear “beanie” stocking hats in order to protect their brains from becoming too cold and thus too illogical. People who can not afford a beanie will be issued one by the new government agency. AND there will not be a tax increase to pay for this and other services.
As a voter we understand that it is going to hard for you to believe that this can be done at no additional cost to you, the tax payer, but rest assured it can. Old women all across the country will be asked to knit a beanie for their fellow countrymen, once again raising the patriotic spirit of this country as ordinary people realize once again they have something to contribute. Not only that, but surplus beanies bearing the names of unpopular bands will also be donated by major retailers and distributed to the underprivileged!
Insanity ’08 understands that in this modern world money is tight, and so, my friends, they guarantee that not only will the beanie law not cost a tax payer one cent, but neither will the new government agency! That’s right, all salaries will be paid with funds raised by the first ever government owned traveling circus of penguins! (The Zombie clowns will be busy elsewhere)
Not only does this give the people of America a new entertainment avenue, one that will become more and more appropriate as our country cools, but it also raises awareness for the plight of our natural resources which are being depleted thanks not only to the temperature plunges of Global Cooling but also the idiotic decisions our society is making!
Remember, Insanity ’08 are the candidates for the common people! They want to fix not only this country, but also help straighten out the disaster the world has become – one step at a time!