New Cartoon Idea (Satire)
(originally from October 2007)
This is supposed to be a blog on my favorite superhero but frankly being possessed by Satan I find it hard to concentrate.
Yes, I did indeed say possessed by Satan. As proof I offer you pictures of the mysterious malady I have been beset with vs an image of the character from a Dr. who episode who was possessed:
See? Pretty similar, huh? Yeah, my rash has letters in it, though it came up better later. At one point my right hand clearly said “BET” on it, among other words such as “Boo” “Go” and what was either “yep” or “yap” among others. No, I’m not making it up.
Anyway, so we went to ER. They took my blood pressure, stuffed me in a room and abandoned me – quite literally – for four hours. But, we did get to watch some cable television – always looking at the bright side, you know.
We came in in the middle of Adult Swim’s Ghost in the Shell, but from there things went dramatically downhill. Words fail to describe whatever followed. The talking giraffe was the only thing that made any sense, and that’s stretching it. Minoriteam gets a special mention. It’s a team of minority superheroes who are fighting the evil White people.It was one bad racist joke after another… wow. I didn’t know you could show things like that on TV without getting sued.
My time was not wasted, however, as I have cracked the super secret code to cartoon popularity in the U.S. Perhaps being possessed by Satan has caused my feeble mind to grasp onto the ideas floating around the cosmos? Or maybe it was just super obvious?
- There has to be sex – as much of it as you can get. If you can’t get any real sex, then you need enough innuendo to fool everyone.
- Puking. A character must throw up at least once per episode or more if you can work it in – take for example the lovely show Metalocolypse which seems to follow a heavy metal band who do nothing but puke. The more realistic the retching sounds the better, by the way.
- Along with puking, characters should also need to use the bathroom, they should fart piss and any excrete any other kind of bodily fluid you can squeeze out of them. This is hilarious – apparently.
- Even better is if you can somehow get another character to fall into, trip on or eat the other character’s excrement.
- Now we need a target group to make fun of. Might I suggest fat white women? This seems to be the most politically correct choice at the moment – but she has to be white if she’s fat. Fat women of other races are acceptable to a point still. To make it even more appealing you do need a token “towel head” to make fun of too – one who will say mush in a semi-islamic accent and lick the ground occasionally.
- Now we need a smart mouthed African American reminiscent of Chris Rock with half the charisma. This character should be the one leaking excrement for the others to eat/fall in. –
- To complete the cast we need a drunk or drug addict or both. They should be the most loveable character – sans their puking and shaking or deranged killing sprees – all of which are okay because they are highly addicted to something.
- Now they need a nemesis of some sort – or conflict. Yes, you’d think that all of the other things going on were conflicting enough, but they aren’t because they might make sense. No, the conflict should be something involving space aliens who you have to eat and then barf up or else monkeys with giant bananas. Maybe even a talking giraffe.
- Our last character depends on our demographic. If we want to cater to teens we need the zombie adult who is too stupid to string two words together without copious amounts of drool running down their chin. BUT if we want the adults then we need a pretty much naked prostitute who can be drooling if the scene calls for it. –> –>
- One of the key ingredients for our humor needs to be religion – particularly Christianity or even better Catholicism. Yes, we technically are already making fun of religion with the Arab, but that’s not enough. You can also try to make fun of the government but that requires that our viewers watch the news and who wants to bother with that?
- The setting needs to be hip and ‘cool” so our characters need to live in a big city where they can visit starbucks – or our comedy equivalent there of – which is even funnier if it contains foul language. Inside out hilariously named coffee shop is where a good deal of the excrement eating/drinking/falling into will happen, not to mention some of our puking.
- The last ingredient that is of the utmost importance is BAD music. Yes, the worse the better. Lyrics should include references to the puking or else should be completely nonsensical OR allude to the copious amounts of sex we’re trying to make everyone think they’re seeing. It would be really cool if we could make fun of our fat white woman and her Arab buddy too, but hey, bad lyrics only stretch so far.
So, now I have the 12 ingredients to a successful cartoon I’m seeing a whole new career path. Most people have to sell their soul to get successful, but hey, I’m already afflicted! So, here’s my plan. While I’m possessed I’m going to mock up a brilliant new cartoon – and I need YOUR financial backing! Yes, my friends, for a measly 1,000 US dollars you can buy a little piece of the future! And you don’t even have to sell your souls to the devil to get a return investment!
Anyway, here is the idea:
A fat white woman who lives with her Arab butler. The Chris rock alternative can live next door and drop in to make “cracker” jokes in every episode, along with running into her in the coffee shop and telling her what a fat pig she is for ordering a latte. During this we can have BOTH a drunk and a drug addict – our drug addict can get grossly high and butcher people very graphically in the basement of the apartment building while the drunk just pops up now and then to puke on everyone and look lovable – but let’s add in that religious flavor and make one of them a catholic priest! Preferably one who is after some small boy who happens to scamper through an episode now and then because pedophilia is so funny! Of course, this leaves plenty of room for our naked prostitute to live on the floor below our main characters AND we can even throw in a high school math teacher who can’t string two words together without drooling! He can be having a raging affair with the prostitute but little does he know that the druggie is secretly filming her liaisons with clients and selling them on the street to anyone with five bucks! Meanwhile the earth is in peril from rainbow colored monkeys whose goal it is to commit bestiality with the prostitute! (yes, extra points for bestiality!) While this is happening our Chris Rock character can spend some quality time pissing in a cup of coffee and making the arab drink it in front of the hot black babes he’s chasing after, all of which will not give him the time of day until he has humiliated the fat white woman and the arab and then they will rip off their clothes and leap on him – all while some terrible music by the Vines or White Stripes plays. Brilliant, isn’t it?
But what to call this modern masterpiece? So many titles come to mind such as ‘Brain Melting” or “As Smart as its Audience” but really I think “The Cesspool of Television” is a great title.
And for the segment I like to call “Random Things from My Hard Drives” here is a new Ville Valo wallpaper made by me 🙂
Fav Song of the moment – “underwater” – Vertical horizon